The Funniest Jokes Top 150
1. What’s the tallest building in the world? The library, cause it has the most stories.
2. How do trees get online? They log in.
3. Why did the scarecrow keep getting promoted?Because he was outstanding in his field.
4. What car does Jesus drive? A Christler.
5. What does a grape say after it’s stepped on? Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.
6. Why don’t teddy bears ever order dessert.Because they’re always stuffed.
7. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
8. Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
9. What did the porcupine say to the cactus? “Is that you mommy?”
10. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
11. How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
12. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
13. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
14. What happens when a frog’s car breaks down? It gets toad away.
15. What’s so great about being a hitman?They all kill it.
16. Why didn’t the melons get married?Because they cantaloupe.
17. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?There’s no point.
18. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.The police better be on the lookout for two hardened criminals.
19. Why are barns so noisy?Because all the cows have horns.
20. What do you call someone wearing a belt with a watch attached to it?A waist of time.
21. What do you say to a drunk who walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck?“You can stay. Just don’t try to start anything.”
22. What’s the difference between snowmen and snow women?Snowballs.
23. Why can’t you trust an atom?Because they make up literally everything.
24. How do fish get high?Seaweed.
26. What do computers snack on?Microchips.
27. What do you call a cow eating grass in a paddock? A lawn mooer
28. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
29. What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
30. Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
31. Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
32. How come oysters never donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
33. What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?You’re too young to smoke.
34. How do baseball players stay cool? Sit next to their fans.
35. What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
36. Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
37. What runs but doesn’t get anywhere? A refrigerator.
38. How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!
39. What do you do with a blue whale? Try to cheer him up!
40. How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
41. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?A Juan on Juan.
42. A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke.Thank goodness it was a soft drink.
43. I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.But when I got home, all the signs were there.
44. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?Anyone can roast beef but nobody can pee soup!
45. Did you hear about the guy who broke both his left arm and left leg?He’s all right now.
46. Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
47. What has four eyes but can’t see? Mississippi!
48. Where does wood come from? A guy named woody.
49. What has one horn and gives milk A milk truck.
50. Where do bulls get their messages On a bull-etin board.
51. What runs but can’t walk? The faucet!
52. What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water bed!
53. What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
54. What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert? No thanks, I’m stuffed!
55. Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
56. What’s taken before you get it? Your picture.
57. What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison?A small medium at large.
58. What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?Wipes his ass.
59. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?Because he had a great fall.
60. What disappears when you stand up? Your lap.
61. What did the big firecracker say to the little firecracker? My pop is bigger than yours.
62. What did the big chimney say to the small chimney? You are too little to smoke.
63. What do you call a surgeon with eight arms? A doctopus!
64. Why did the teacher jump into the lake? Because she wanted to test the waters!
65. Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
66. People wonder why I call my toilet “the Jim” instead of “the John.”I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”
67. I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger…And then it hit me.
68. I went to the bank the other day and asked the teller to check my balance.
The bitch pushed me, but I couldn’t really blame her.
69. Money doesn’t grow on trees, right?So why does every bank have so many branches?
70. Why did the pig leave the party early?Because everyone thought he was a boar.
71. Why was the pelican kicked out of the hotel? Because he had a big bill!
72. What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
73. What kind of dog tells time? A watch dog!
74. Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted!
75. What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!
76. What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
77. What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?One says, “Spit out your gum” and the other says, “Choo choo choo.”
78. What did the janitor yell after he jumped out of the closet?“Supplies!”
79. How can you get four suits for a dollar?Buy a deck of cards.
80. Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
81. How do you tease fruit? Banananananananana!
82. Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
83. Why did Tommy throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
84. How does a moulded fruit-flavoured dessert answer the phone? Jell-o!
85. When do you stop at green and go at red? When you’re eating a watermelon!
86. What’s the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
87. How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
88. Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
89. What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
90. What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
91. Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll
92. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane? ME!!!
93. Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
94. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
95. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
96. What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
97. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
98. What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
99. What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria? A stomach-cake!
100. Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
101. When does a cart come before a horse? In the dictionary!
102. What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
103. Why was the guy looking for the food on his friend? Because his friend said its on me.
104. Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it’s over your head!
105. What are two things you cannot have for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner.
106. Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams.
107. Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
108. How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
109. Why don’t they serve chocolate in prison? Because it makes you break out!
110. What do you call artificial spaghetti? Mockaroni!
111. What happens to a hamburger that misses a lot of school? He has a lot of ketchup time!
112. Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job? He couldn’t concentrate!
113. What did the grape do when it got stepped on? It let out a little wine!
114. How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
115. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
116. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court.
117. What did the water say to the boat? Nothing, it just waved.
118. What letters are not in the alphabet? The ones in the mail, of course!
119. Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 789!
120. What is an astronaut’s favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
121. What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
122. Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
123. Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
124. What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says “chew chew chew”.
125. Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
126. What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
127. What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
128. Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread.
129. Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
130. What does a shark eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
131. What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!
132. Why were the giant’s fingers only eleven inches long? Because if they were twelve inches long, they’d be a foot.
133. What is invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny Farts!
134. What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I’ll hang around!
135. What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
136. What is a tornado? Mother nature doing the twist!
137. Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
138. They don’t have the guts. What has four legs but can’t walk?
139. A table! Why did the turtle cross the road?To get to the Shell station! What did the ground say to the earthquake?
140. You crack me up! What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
Milk and quackers!
141. Why did the elephant eat the candle? He wanted a light snack!
142. Why is the letter “G” scary? It turns a host into a ghost What has 4 eyes but no face?Mississippi!
143. What did the spider do on the computer? Made a website!
144. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
145. What do you call a girl who is always in the bookies? Betty!
146. Where do cows go on holiday? Moo York
147. Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
148. What do you call a man who rolls in the leaves? Russel
149. What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A Bed
150. Why didn’t the chicken cross the road? He was a chicken.
LOL (Laugh out loudly)
I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: "Are you two an item?"
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said: "Did you get my drift?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says: "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she'd popped her clogs.
I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn't find any.
I went to the doctors and said: "Have you got anything for wind?" He gave me a kite.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home." He said: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" I asked. "It's not unusual," he replied.
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.
Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!
What do you call a cow on a trampoline? A milk shake!
Where do cows go for entertainment? To the moo-vies!
How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed? Your head hits the ceiling!
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!
Why are ghosts, bad liars? Because you can see right through them!
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs!
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!
Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!
What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping? A dino-snore!
Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert? Because she was stuffed.
What has ears but cannot hear? A field of corn.
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells!
What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!
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